


Two Idiots and the Wizarding World

by Starr_Burst



Series: Harry Potter Crossovers [1]
Category: Bleach, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crossover, canon is a worm and i accidentally squished it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29879268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starr_Burst/pseuds/Starr_Burst
Summary: The Dark Lord's monologue gets interrupted by two strangers who save the wizarding world in less than five minutes.Harry just wanted a normal day, dammit, is that too much to ask?*****Or the one where Ichigo and Rukia stumble across a very strange scene and just decide to go along with it. Just another normal day in the Soul Society!
Relationships: Kuchiki Rukia/Kurosaki Ichigo, Kurosaki Ichigo & Harry Potter
Series: Harry Potter Crossovers [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2204991
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	Two Idiots and the Wizarding World

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't my best writing but I just wanted to put this idea into words because it seemed kinda...interesting? 
> 
> I'm still in the Bount arc in Bleach so this takes place sometime after Ichigo saves Rukia :)
> 
> Warning - a few swear words but nothing major.

“HARRY POTTER IS DEAD!” The Dark Lord cried triumphantly, taking in the heartbroken faces in front of him with a wicked smile like the sadistic bastard he was. “Do you understand now, deluded ones? He was nothing, ever, but a boy who relied on others to sacrifice themselves for him.” 

McGonagall looked stricken and Hermione buried her head in Ron’s jacket.

“Join me now, defenders of Hogwarts, and I shall grant you mercy. Join me now and-” Voldemort never got to finish his sentence for the air in between him and the students tore open, quite literally and two people stumbled out the impromptu portal created. 

The girl was short- too short, in fact - with murderous eyes and a dignified composure. The odd gray school uniform she wore looked so out of place with the rest of her surroundings. 

Her partner on the other hand, was the very opposite. He had bright orange hair and a very frazzled look about him. He wore some sort of weird robes and a massive sword that was as tall as he was, which was saying something for he towered over them. 

The boy jabbed a finger at the girl and yelled something in a foreign language. The girl scowled and muttered something in return.

Both of them looked confused for a second. The boy turned to look at the Hogwarts staff and asked a question. 

Nobody answered, obviously, for they couldn’t understand him and instead opted to stare at him. 

“And who might you be? Have you come from the faraway lands to pledge your allegiance to The Dark Lord?” 

The duo looked thoroughly confused before the girl muttered something about English. Understanding dawned on the boy’s face before he said, “Look, I don’t know who the Dark Lord is, but you,” He pointed to Voldemort. “Are supposed to be dead. And I’m here to make sure that you are, well, dead.” In a slightly accented English. 

The girl looked like she wanted to facepalm. 

“How dare you try to defy me? How dare you try to-” Voldemort was interrupted yet again by the girl who stretched her arms forward and yelled something in her native language. 

Seemingly out of nowhere, a turmoil of white fabric shot towards him and twisted themselves around the Dark Lord. 

Witnesses on the both sides of the war gaped at their lord. He didn’t seem so terrifying flopping around on the ground, yelling out insults. The boy turned to them and asked, “Do you want us to kill him? We can back off if you want, this is your war.” 

The students and staff looked towards McGonagall, who for the first time in her life, seemed speechless. 

“Well- erm – yes, I do- I suppose the Ministry will make sure he answers for the crimes he committed.” She stuttered, surprised. 

The boy nodded. 

“Look, I’m sorry, but who exactly are you?” Ron asked, voicing out the most obvious question. 

“I’m Kurosaki Ichigo and this little shrimp-” 

“Who are you calling shrimp, you’re not that tall either, you idiot.” The girl snapped. 

“-is Kuchiki Rukia.” 

“We’re here to help with the soul-breaker problem.” Rukia said as if that explained everything. 

With their Lord currently…compromised, the remaining Death Eaters looked uncertain. All except Bellatrix, who could not - for the life of her - read the room. 

“How dare you dirty mudbloods interrupt the Dark Lord?” She bellowed as she blasted a very strong Crucio at the boy- Ichigo. 

The spell hit him square in the chest and nothing happened. If the grounds of Hogwarts were silent before, they could hear a pin drop now. 

“I don’t understand, was something supposed to happen?” Ichigo asked innocently. “Is that your Bankai, lady?” He chuckled. “It’s not a strong one, is it?”

"There, there, Ichigo. You shouldn't go around making fun of people's Bankais." Rukia said.

“Wha- how- how is this possible?!” She looked distressed. 

“Do you want us to round up the rest of these people as well?” Rukia asked McGonagall, pegging her as the leader of sorts. 

“Well- Yes, that would be ideal, thank you.” She said with a surprised nod. 

Rounding up the strange people in black took no effort at all, but dodging their little streaks of light was getting annoying. In under five minutes, all Death Eaters were bound with the same white fabric as Voldemort. 

The Hogwarts defenders gaped at the strange duo. 

“Who exactly are you?” Hermione practically screeched. 

“I’m Kuchiki Rukia and this abnormally tall dumbass is Kurosaki Ichigo.” 

“No…who are you? Like…what are you?” Hermione seemed distressed. 

“We help people pass over to the afterlife, basically.” Ichigo explained, earning a small shove from Rukia in the process. “What, was I not supposed to tell them?” 

“Of course not, you idiot! You can’t go around telling people about Shinigami!” 

“Hmph, you’re no fun.” 

Rukia, in response, looked like she regretted all of her life choices which led her here. It was impossible to believe that these two bickering teenagers in front of them saved the entire wizarding world – and possibly the muggle world – in less than five minutes. 

“Well, rest assured, the soul-breaker guy should not be bothering you anytime soon.” Rukia turned to the people in front of her. 

During all the commotion, Harry toppled out of Hagrid’s arms, apparently alive. Several people rushed to him, but he shrugged them off and made a beeline for the bickering duo. 

“It can’t be that simple!” He yelled. 

“Why not? You destroyed all his soul pieces, didn’t you?” Ichigo asked, puzzled.

“Yes, well…but it can’t be over just like that! We’ve been trying for years, decades, even! If you could do it so easily, why didn’t you come before? You could’ve saved so many people from dying!” 

“Look, boy, we are just following orders. We waited around for the British Soul Society to do something but those incompetent asses couldn’t find a criminal if they looked it in the eye.” 

Harry blinked. 

Did this four-foot lady just call him _boy_? She couldn’t have been older than him! 

“What’s the Soul Society?” Hermione asked. 

“Hell, if I know. It’s a messed-up place.” Ichigo muttered under his breath, earning a curious glance from Ron. 

Rukia elbowed him. “It’s not that bad, be fair.” 

Ichigo snorted. 

These new people were wild. 

“Well, our jobs here are done. We might meet again, who knows?” Ichigo stated. 

“Not so soon, idiot. We need to wait for Renji and Hitsugaya to pick us up.” 

“What? Why?” Ichigo whined. 

“With you still hogging some of my powers, I can’t really create another portal that easily!” Rukia asserted. 

“Hey, it’s not my fault!” 

Rukia snorted. 

“Who are Renji and Hitsugaya?” Hermione asked, genuinely curious. 

“They’re…acquaintances.” Rukia said. 

“They’re friends.” Ichigo said. 

The trio shot them another look. Harry opened his mouth to ask something but his words faltered in his mouth as a black portal, similar to the one before, tore through the air. Two of the strangest people Harry had ever seen stepped out. 

A tall, muscly man with spiky red hair and a short guy with snow-white hair stared at the students in front of them with wary expressions. 

Rukia introduced them as Abarai Renji, Lieutenant of the 6th Division and Hitsugaya Toshiro, Captain of the 10th Division of Gotei 13. 

Even for people with the wildest imaginations, it was hard to see the short man as the captain of anything. He looked like he was smaller than the first years, for starters!

“Glad to see you didn’t manage to blow something up, Kurosaki.” Hitsugaya said with a smirk. Renji snorted. 

“Shut up.” Ichigo muttered. 

“Kenpachi is still looking for you, by the way. Seems like he won’t back down without a fight. Looks like you’re his new best friend, huh?” Renji elbowed him with a smirk. 

“Bring it on! Ichigo will trample him!” Rukia announced with confidence. 

“Ehhh Rukiaaa!” Ichigo whined, clearly distressed. 

“Oh, come on, you idiot, you can beat him in your sleep now.” 

Ichigo opened his mouth to say something but Hitsugaya beat him to it. “We need to get going. I have things to sort out back home.” Upon the questioning look on Ichigo’s face, he snapped – “Captain things!” 

Rukia sighed. “Yes, let’s get going.” Turning to the trio, she asked – “Where your leader?” 

The three stared dumbfounded at the group of strange people in front of them. Harry could admit that he is probably the most confused person on a daily basis he knows but he’s really just beating his own record here. 

“Where your leader?” Hitsugaya asked this time, patience clearly waning. 

“I- I suppose McGonagall’s over there. She’s our headmistress.” Harry offered feebly, pointing to the gray-haired headmistress, tending to the wounded with first aid before ushering them into the Great Hall to be cared for by Madame Pomfrey. 

The four strangers walked up to her. 

“We sincerely hope everything works out with the Ministry. If the soul-breaker gives you anymore trouble, call me.” Rukia said, writing something on a piece of paper. “That’s the number to my Soul Pager, contact me if you need anything.” 

With a small bow, the strangers walked through the closing portal, leaving many lingering stares and unanswered questions. 

And so, just and mysteriously as they disappeared, they were gone.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, thanks if you made it this far. 
> 
> Hope ya liked it. Kudos and comments are appreciated. 
> 
> Don't forget to have a glass of water, stretch a little bit, take your meds or whatever and I hope y'all have a nice day :)


End file.
